Empowering ADHD Children to Become Better Social Problem Solvers                                                                                

By Susan Istre, Ph.D., LPC  Director, Center for Social Success

  Research has shown that children with peer relationship problems often have difficulty with social problem solving.  ADHD children in particular are well known for impulsively taking action without thinking—often times yelling, grabbing, or hitting.  As a result, ADHD children are more frequently embroiled in peer relationship problems, which can ultimately lead to social rejection if such problems occur repeatedly and go unresolved.  The negative effects of peer rejection are well known, and include chronic frustration, anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression.

One important social skill ADHD children need to learn is how to effectively solve daily conflicts with family and friends.  Problem solving is an important aspect of a child’s emotional intelligence.  It is critical to both intrapersonal satisfaction and interpersonal success.  An example of an intrapersonal stress is when a child feels like a friend is laughing at him.  He may feel agitated, frustrated, confused and angry.  Interpersonal problems can result if the child keeps his angry feelings inside and secretly holds a grudge or lashes out in an attempt to hurt back.  This can set off an escalating pattern of anger and revenge and potentially even result in the loss of a friend.

One way to help children solve problems is to serve as a consultant.  This involves following a set procedure, using empathy, offering ideas, and letting the child make final decisions.  The parent guides the child through the problem solving process by asking a series of questions.   What is the problem?  What did you do?  What do you need to do now to make things better?  What could you do differently in the future to prevent this problem from happening again?  Which one of these ideas do you want to try first?  Did that work or do you need to rethink the problem and come up with another solution? 

At the Center for Social Success in Dallas, we have devised an acronym called “POPS” to help children and parents remember the steps in the problem solving process.  The first P stands for define the PROBLEM (this includes naming the feelings associated with that problem).  The O stands for identify your OPTIONS and think about the possible consequence of each option.  The next P stands for PICK the option that you think might be most successful.  The last S stands for determining if the option you picked actually did SOLVE the problem or if you need to START AGAIN, rethink the problem or pick another option.

Applying this approach to the example cited above, the parent could help the child crystallize the problem:  “I’m angry because I think my friend is making fun of me.”  The next step is to brainstorm a variety of options: ask your friend if he was making fun of you, tell your friend it hurts your feelings when he laughs at you and ask him not to do that again, ignore the comment and assume it was not meant to be hurtful, make a joke out of the comment and laugh at yourself.  Don’t be surprised if your child comes up with some outrageous or aggressive solutions, like “I could just beat him up” or “Never talk to him again.”  This is just an expression of anger or an attempt to shock you.  Your job is to calmly acknowledge these as possible options without judging them.   When you discuss consequences, these alternatives are likely to be eliminated.  Picking the option needs to be the child’s choice.  This makes it more likely that he will actually follow through and also prevents him from blaming you if it doesn’t work.  The last step is evaluating whether or not the option chosen to solve the problem actually worked.  

If your child reports that the option did work, congratulate him on his success!  This helps him feel more competent to solve his own problems.  It also promotes the emotional skills of optimism and self-efficacy.  If it doesn’t work, encourage the child not to give up, but to rethink the problem or try another solution.  This helps ensure problem resolution and reinforces another emotional skill: persistence.      

 This POPS problem solving approach is not only applicable to peer conflicts, but can also be applied to a variety of home problem situations, including sibling rivalry, temper control problems, home work issues and disagreements about privileges.  It provides parents and children with an effective framework to resolve problems in an unemotional and mutually respectful way.

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