Who do you want to be when you grow up?
          The importance of personality development

Brian T. Goonan, Ph.D.

         Note: While this article often refers to “adolescents”, it is important to consider adolescence not as an age, but a stage in which we form our sense of who we are.  Therefore, the contents of this article are helpful not only to 13 to 18 year olds, but to any adult who struggles with developing a more positive self-esteem, more purposeful life goals, and more mutually satisfying relationships.

            It’s college essay time again (truthfully, when isn’t it college essay time?).  Along with this time come the foresight questions colleges enjoy asking, which all point in the same direction of “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  In my office I frequently see referral questions for “Why aren’t his grades higher?” or “Why is she struggling in school?”  Often times the referral question comes with the basic assumption that all adolescents would be motivated to do well in school as long as there were no learning or attentional problem impeding that learning.  But what if the adolescent is not motivated by good grades or is not interested in getting into a competitive college?  What if the adolescent’s identity lies in other-than-academic areas?  In the long run, I am less interested in the question of “What do you want to be when you grow up?”, and more interested in the question of “Who do you want to be when you grow up?”

            Adolescence is an exciting time of great challenge, opportunity, and growth.  It is during adolescence, more than any other stage in life, that an individual comes to explore who they are and how they want to interact with others.  It is this exploration that defines adolescence.  It is the development of an identity in which an individual is quietly confident in his or her abilities and able to develop and maintain mutually satisfying relationships that marks the transition from adolescence into adulthood.  Recent studies underscore the importance of this development indicating that the presence of maladaptive relationship patterns in adolescence is a greater risk factor than the presence of disruptive behavior disorders, anxiety disorders, and depression in adolescence in the prediction of depression and suicidality in young adulthood (Johnson, et al, 1999).  Thus, the crux of fostering adolescent development lies in supporting and guiding their emerging identity (or personality) and improving their ability to form and maintain mutually satisfying relationships with others.  While strategies for coping with various deficits are still goals for adolescents, the importance of addressing the interpersonal coping styles that can accompany attentional, learning, and other processing deficits cannot be understated.

            Sullivan (1953) describes personality as “a relatively enduring pattern of recurrent interpersonal situations”.  Stated in other terms, an individual’s personality is determined by the interactions in which they repeatedly find themselves.  When we describe an individual’s personality as kind and supportive, it is because we have repeatedly seen that individual in situations in which his or her behaviors were interpreted as offering support and being kind to others.  When we describe an individual as stubborn or difficult, it is because we repeatedly have seen that individual in situations in which negotiations appeared impossible or the person appeared to invite conflict.  These characterizations form a feedback loop in which an individual comes to know himself or herself. 

Perceptions of the self drive behaviors and behaviors drive feedback about the self.

            Similar to Gardner’s view of multiple intelligences (Gardner, 1993), it is helpful to think of an individual’s personality as a multi-faceted entity comprised of social, academic, athletic, and familial components, to name a few.  Each of these selves takes on greater and lesser importance as each one is explored and developed.  The emergence of an adult involves the successful development of a managing self that successfully balances and meets the needs of each part of an individual’s identity allowing for continued growth and integration.  Thus, the transition to adulthood is marked not by a chronological change in age, but by a developmental transition.

            In adolescence, individuals are forming their personalities, trying on different roles and identities from which to invent and re-invent themselves based on the feedback they receive from significant others.  Much to parents’ dismay, they are no longer as significant as they once were, and if they are, it is frequently as a directional reference of what not to do.  At this age, peers and the occasional peer’s parent, teacher, or boss form the majority of the significant other cast.  It is not uncommon for an adolescent to have a revelation based on a discussion he or she had with a friend’s mother that afternoon, that bears an uncanny resemblance to the point mom has been repeating for the past two months.  It is not uncommon for an adolescent with no apparent interest in school to suddenly become more organized and focused with the arrival of a studious girlfriend.  Still, it is important for the adolescent to develop the ability to be reasonably respectful of others in his or her life. Some guidelines for adolescents to follow are:

1. Learn to accept the “fair call” -- If there is some truth to what a person is telling you, accept the feedback and try to learn from it.  Rarely is a situation one person’s fault.  Can you accept your part in the difficulty?

2. Make some time for your family -- Most parents just want to know that you are alive and well and will respect your need for space and reasonable exploration.  Touching base with your family from time to time often results in more space and  individual freedom.

3. Show some self-awareness and integrity -- If your actions are consistent with your words your parents will come to trust more of what you say and are more likely to negotiate with you as an adult, than to treat you like a child.

4.  Follow this simple rule -- It is okay to be who you are, just don’t knock anyone else out in the process.  Hurting someone else’s feelings unnecessarily, making your lack of planning someone else’s emergency, and expecting others to fill in your blanks without a prior arrangement are examples of knocking out others with who you are.

            When adolescents are not conforming to these guidelines, it can just be a sign of developmentally appropriate limit testing and striving for independence.  In fact, Valliant (1977) indicates that “immature” coping mechanisms, such as passive aggressive behaviors, acting out, engaging in fantasizing behavior, and reading their behaviors into others’ actions, but not acknowledging those behaviors in themselves (projection), typify adolescent development and would not necessarily be cause for alarm.  However, if the level or frequency of the individual’s behaviors is of concern, parents may want to consult with a psychologist or other mental health professional.  This professional should be able to determine if the behaviors seen are predominantly typical adolescence or if the scope of the behaviors is more atypical and cause for concern.  Where adolescents are concerned, group interventions can be a valuable modality.  Adolescents and young adults more readily accept feedback from peers than from adults, since they

see peers as understanding their struggles and in touch with their subculture.  While group can be helpful, it is not for everyone.  It is not recommended that individuals be placed in a group simply based on the fact that they are between the ages of 13 and 18.  A helpful group is comprised of members with similar or complementary issues, who display a readiness for the group, and each with the ability to be a contributing member.

            During the adolescent stage, parents and adolescents become more physically and psychologically distant from each other. This normal distancing is seen in decreases in emotional closeness and warmth, increases in parent-adolescent conflict and disagreement, and an increase in time adolescents spend with peers.  While the adolescent is transitioning from childhood to adulthood, the parents need to transition from the parenting role to the guide role.  As a parent, you may have instructed the child what to do, where they had to go, and what they had to try and for how long.  Children need direction and structure; it provides a sense of comfort and a firm boundary upon which to test limits.  Consistent, nurturing, and reliable parenting sets the stage for the parent’s acceptance as a guide through adolescence.  As a guide, you move to suggesting, recommending, and letting your wishes be known.  Unlike when your child was younger, parents of adolescents find that it can be very difficult to “make” your adolescent do as you wish.  While there are no guarantees for acceptance, it is in this guide position that parents often have the best odds of influencing their adolescent’s choices.  Some guidelines for parents to follow are:

1. See Guidelines 1 to 4 in the adolescent section – Remember the assumption is that adolescence is a stage, not an age.  Your successful progress through the stage will set the best example for how your adolescent can successfully negotiate it.

2. Get to know your adolescent – Remember when he or she was a toddler?  Their exploration of the world was exciting, even when they did potentially dangerous things.  The fact is that most of the choices adolescents make are temporary, and while it might postpone our dreams for them, it does not forever end their success.

3. Know that the best we can hope for is that the adolescent will make a thought out choice with an awareness of the possible outcomes.  It is unreasonable to expect that he or she would make the “right choice” all of the time.  Stress safety and caring for relationships more than adult goals of success and prestige.

4. Recharge your batteries – Make time for your hobbies, interests, and relationships.  If you do “everything” for your child, it typically places a heavy burden to measure up to your expectations.  Parenting is a joyful, but primarily thankless job.  You may need to get your strokes from elsewhere.

5. Choose your battles – It may be trite, but it is true.  Determine what is most important and most attainable, then be gentle, but relentless in your pursuit of that ideal.  There are some things that are important, but nearly impossible to control without exerting excessive and unrealistic pressure in the total environment.

Understanding adolescents requires an understanding of each individual’s unique environment as they perceive it.  Working with adolescents requires their acceptance of you as a “significant other” or as a guide with a relatively unbiased opinion.  The ultimate goal of adolescence is to develop an identity in which the individual is a nurturer/provider for others, with a moral/ethical base and the willingness to assert him or herself for those beliefs, who is wise and sharing of that wisdom, who has interests and passions, and who has the capacity to negotiate mutually satisfying relationships with others.  Though nail-biting and fist-shaking from time to time, guiding your adolescent stands a better chance of being an enjoyable experience for all involved when some simple guidelines are followed.

 References:

Gardner, H. (1993).  Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences.  New York: Basic Books. 

Johnson, J.G., Cohen, P., Skodol, A.E., Oldham, J.M., Kasen, S., and Brook, J.S. (1999). Personality disorders in adolescence and risk for major mental disorders and suicidality during adulthood.  Archives of General Psychiatry, 56; 805-811.

 Sullivan, H.S. (1953). The Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry. New York: Norton.

 Valliant, G. (1977).  Adaptation to Life.  Boston; Little, Brown.

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